I feel different lately. Better. I think it started on my inner bits and worked its way to the outer bits. I'm more confident. I feel surer of everything. What did it is that I'm figuring out who I am. All it took was a bit of perspective development. I know my purpose now, and that makes everything easier. I know my identity, and I know my place, and I know where I want to go, and I have some idea how to get there. The best part is, even if I land a hundred miles away from my destination, I'll be satisfied because I already have the most important part, and the second-most important part isn't difficult to get.

I think the other thing that happened is that I'm getting to be a little more comfortable with myself. I'm getting more comfortable with my personal abilities and limitations, and I'm starting to figure out that I should try going in a different direction rather than continuing to beat my head on this brick wall. I mean, I've smashed my head into every freakin' part of that thing, and let me tell you, it will not budge for me. I can't think of any reason that would be worth continuing that struggle.

Furthermore, I'm working on scrounging together bits of class, here and there. In the past year I've changed looks and developed tastes. I'm teaching myself to speak correctly, move correctly, and think correctly.

Mind you, these things are all done by my own personal definition of “correct.” Society controls everything and I'd be naïve to think I'm unaffected, but I'm pulling together bits and pieces of society's standards and combining them with old standards and standards from other countries and other schools of thought to create something that's just personalized enough that I hope it strikes everyone as something that one does not often come across. Because, heaven help me, I do need to be unique. Not outrageously unique, but just different enough that I can easily see the line between “me” and “you.” And I never want to be one of “them.”

That's just about where my identity comes in. I'm pretty sure this identity, all on its own, helps a lot to make “me” different from “you.” I'm currently using it, almost actively, as a means by which to make sure that, though I may have recently joined the ranks of Usana Health Sciences, I will not ever be thought of, by myself or anyone else, as “one of those Usana people.”

With this identity comes responsibilities. If I turn you down or away without explaining why, then I'm probably just trying to fulfill my purpose in life. This thing takes a lot of commitment, and I can't always talk about it right out. Further responsibilities require that I be capable, fast, smart, strong, and prepared. When shit happens, I need to be able to shit right back at it. I need to have as much control over my life as possible, because preserving my own life is one of my new responsibilities as one who has this identity. In case you didn't follow that, it stands to reason that one's chances of preserving life increase with the amount of control over life. As such, in accordance with this responsibility, I need as much control as I can get. I hope you'll forgive me for repeating myself; it's an important point, partially because until about 19 months ago I didn't have a terribly solid reason for keeping myself alive.

But now I have a reason for everything important decision I make, and it makes these decisions so much easier. The whole world is an easier place when you have a cause. It doesn't even matter what your cause is, so long as you can put your whole self behind it.

I love Cleo.